Spinning

Well, what else do you call it when your life seems upside down and going around in circles all at the same time? I call it spinning. And I've found myself doing it again. I get this crazy feeling inside that I can't see straight and my head feels like there are a thousand people in it screaming at me and crying for me and laughing because of me. And the craziness just can't be shaken. I search for the quiet but there's no time for it, I have to keep on keeping on or I'm going to loose. What I'm going to loose, I'm not really sure, but I don't want to find out. Sometimes I need a break from me.
Work has actually been work lately. Nothing new, I just don't have the heart for it anymore. I'm depressed and I don't really feel like doing anything anymore. But I've got to keep my chin up, "things aren't so bad" "you've got alot to be greateful for"Be strong for the kids, but I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for years and years and then when the hurt and rejection is gone, I could come out and face the world. I'm pissed that I can't get rid of this pain. I feel weak for letting it get the better of me. I can be stronger than that, can't I? But some days it sneeks up on me and throws it's clammy hands around my neck and just stays there taunting me.
I really hadn't intended this to be so depressing, but the whole point is to express your thoughts and feelings and when I sat down to write, this is what came out. I appoligize.....now I have guilt.

Fill Me Up

I felt an emptiness inside me

and I thought that he could fill it

so I lost myself to him

in search of something to fill my heart

Did he loose himself to me

or did we just get lost

I closed my eyes one night

and woke a world away

and now I can't remember

where it was that I was going

or what it was that I was doing

and all I have left are washed out memories

and twice told stories

of a place and a time

that fades with each day

the pain like a scar is fading too

like the lies in his eyes and the anger and hate

so some nights I sit and look at the moon

and wish I will find myself soon

I can define myself and sometimes I do

as a mother a lover a daughter a fool

but the emptiness from so long ago

is still the friend I will always know.