Mr. Tolerable

So, I don't know how the conversation came up, but I was sitting outside with my dad, when he tells me that someday I will find "Mr. Right". "I don't believe he exists" I say. "Maybe Mr. Tolerable, or Mr. Semi-Decent" "come on..." says dad. "That's not true". "They're all the same", I reply. He says that's what I told him in High School. Apparently it's true cause Heather said I told her the same thing, only I said it to her just a few months before I got married. Hmmm... interesting. I believe either I'm right, or I am jaded from past expierences. Why is it that I feel this way? I know I have fallen in love before, I have poured my whole body and soul into my relationships and in the end, I am left alone and feeling used. Like it meant nothing to the other, when it felt like everything to me. Is that love? Was I in relationships that were doomed? Is it me? If there was a Mr. Right out there, then why do I suffer alone? Why do I feel so desperately foolish to try to seek out this ficticious character. I know there are people that I enjoy spending time with, but very few of them that I could say would fall into the Mr. Right category. I watch them, I see how they act, the things they do. I strongly believe that I will never again marry. Heather say's I only feel that way because the divorse is still so fresh. But I honestly feel that it is not something I could ever do, again. There is a huge hole left inside me and I know in time it will get smaller, and I'm sure I will have relationships at some point, but the idea of letting myself go seems pointless. I guess I feel like it would only be me setting myself up for pain and rejection. I couldn't deal with another fucked up marriage, and a trampled heart. I think I can only take so much, and I think I already have. I feel like the only way to keep my heart safe is to keep it locked down. Don't let it go, don't fully allow anyone to get too close. I hate that I feel that way. But, I could feel it happening a long time ago. I allowed myself to be used for way too long, that by the time I snapped and decided that I couldn't take anymore, it was too late. I want to believe that someday someone will come into my life who will care for me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated, but I refuse to live by that. You walk with your head in the clouds and you eventually end up walking into something painful. I've had enough pain for this lifetime. Maybe the next one will work out better.