So I'm at the park today to let the kids get some fresh air and enjoy the nice warm weather; I am pretty much just a spectator as I've been sick with a stomach flu and am too weak to barely move. I watch them playing in the sand, I talk to the other kids passing by who will talk to just about anyone that will listen to them, I see the make believe happening, when all of a sudden a small child just getting the idea of walking wanders into view. A doting dad wanders just behind her, not to close(let her do it), but close enough to catch her when she falls, which she inevitably will do. The look in his eyes of how proud he is, the pure love for her hits me so strongly. My children will never know the love of their dad, that unconditional emotion that comes from being a dad. Nobody will ever love those kids like I do, will never be able to share with me the pride and amazement I feel when those small life moments happen. It just won't mean the same to anyone else. I felt very alone at that moment.
I keep thinking that maybe I will find someone before the kids get to old and they will have nice memories of this person being in their life "since they can remember". And I think today I realized that it doesn't matter. I am looking for someone to relieve my own loneliness, no one will ever be their dad, so why bother? Maybe I am just waisting my time looking for a father figure for the kids and instead I should just invest my time in building a stronger bond with my children. It's just so hard to be working full time and be full time mom and then add full time dad onto that list and honestly, I don't think I can do it all. This is the spinning circle I get myself wrapped around that starts to get me depressed. Maybe I am too tired from being sick to get depressed over it tonight. I guess I just needed to get it out is all.....